The Good, The Bad and The Hilariously Awful
by Hammerschlag
Summary: A satirical analysis of Original Characters throughout the Fire Emblem saga. Fun for the whole family!


**NOTICE: This publication was revised on 11/23/17 due to typos and missing dialogue. The original was uploaded when I was half-asleep.**

 **Happy Thanksgiving, fellas!**

 **25 fics. For me, that's not a small number.**

 **The original plan was to write a KentxFiora fic to commemorate my first one-shot, but I decided to save that for the last piece I write before I retire, which I hope will be my 100th fic.**

 **Plan B was to write a Karel vs. Jerme action flick, but I realized very few folks still on this site care about them, so I decided release it a little later.**

 **So, without further ado, I present to you Plan C: a parody about OC's. Thanks to Cormag Ravenstaff for the idea.**

* * *

"Are we ready?"

"Hold on, I can't figure out how this 'camera' thing is supposed to work."

"Give it to me; I can do it."

"Are you sure?"

"I know I said I wanted to be in this thing, but it's more important that we record everything that happens."

"No, I meant are you sure you know how this thing works."

"Our writer on the other side of the Fourth Wall taught me how."

"Wait a minute, we have a writer? I always thought we made this stuff up as we went along."

"We're fictional characters; how can you expect us to come up with our own content?"

"Just get the stupid thing working."

"Alright, here goes… … …done! We're rolling!"

"Rolling?"

"It means start talking."

"Umm…"

"I'd use an expletive, but our writer wants to keep this rated K."

"Wha–"

"JUST START ALREADY!"

"Alright, alright!"

* * *

"Hello everyone! I'm Alfonse, the protagonist of Fire Emblem: Fan Serv– err, I mean Fire Emblem Heroes," the blue-haired prince chuckled lightly, "to the Americans I'm speaking to through the Summoner's portal, Happy Thanksgiving!"

"Should we not extend that greeting to the rest of that world to broaden our audience?" Sharena, his younger sister, pointed out.

"Maybe, but today is, in that world, a holiday only in the United States, at least to my knowledge," Alfonse shrugged.

"And to the Jews, sorry we stole your stuff!" Robin, the cameraman, scratched the back of his head.

"I'm not…" Anna muttered inaudibly.

"What do you mean by that?" Alfonse raised a brow.

"The First Thanksgiving harvest celebration was inspired by the harvest festival prescribed by the Old Testament called Sukkot. The pilgrims were devout Christians who knew their bible."

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound quite–"

"Can we focus on the reason we were called here?" Anna rolled her eyes, though she herself was only giving part of her attention to the siblings; the rest was devoted to counting the gold she had earned the past week.

"Of course," the prince scratched the back of his head, "today, we're here to discuss Original Characters in FanFiction publications. It's our job to explain how terrible they can be."

"And also how amazing, if done right," Sharena added.

"We'll cover other things as well down the line, so sit back and enjoy," Anna smiled.

"One topic I'm looking forward to is Self-inserts," the prince chuckled mischievously, "tearing them apart is going to be fun."

"That topic is a tad overused. Good luck trying to put a new spin on it," the red-haired merchant wagged her finger.

"We can only hope to try!" the princess said with innocent enthusiasm in her voice.

"And we _will_ succeed. I swear it!"

* * *

 _Part One: The New Protagonist (non-SI)_

"Many new authors who want to add their own spin on an existing work will create a new character which the story will focus on," Alfonse started.

"This character's actions may or may not alter how the original content progressed," Sharena continued, "it all depends on how creative the writer is."

"Remember, creativity isn't the only thing you need," Anna wagged her finger back and forth, "often even the most creative of writers will make the dumbest of mistakes if they're not experienced.

"That's right – experience is everything!" Alfonse clapped, "Well, maybe not EVERYTHING."

"It's still important, though. Robin, roll the tapes."

"Yeppers," the Ylissean said and inserted the disks, "the first sample is–"

"I can't believe we're actually using disks. We're in 2017! Why isn't our data stored on a cloud or something?" Anna grunted.

"I have no idea what any of that means…" Alfonse sighed.

"Our producers have not trusted clouds since August 31, 2014," Sharena shrugged.

"SHARENA! NO! THAT DATE MUST NOT BE MENTIONED. IT IS CURSED!" Alfonse screamed.

"Wait, you don't know about clouds but you know about _that_?!" Anna frowned.

"Pfeh, you know you all enjoyed that day," Sharena folded her arms, causing Alfonse to blush and Robin to button-up his cloak, better concealing himself.

"ANYWAY!" Robin interjected, "the first sample is a description of a character written by an inexperienced-but-promising writer and the second is that of a seasoned author. The third is written by someone trying, but utterly failing, to be creative. They all take place in FE7, but the tactician is replaced by the aforementioned OC."

 _Anacreon had a great mane of red hair. His garb was regal, woven from the finest wools and lined with the rarest furs. How he ended up in a tent with a young girl looking over him he had no idea._

 _Mark was a simple merchant. He had short, brown hair and wore a grey tunic and black trousers. He had come to Sacae to try to introduce his wares to new buyers, but didn't prepare himself for the heat of a summer on the plains and passed out mid-journey. It was thanks to the beautiful young woman now staring down at him that he survived._

 _My name is Tvashtri Mohini Ashwatthama. I come from a distant land, far beyond the stars. I was sent here by the gods to deliver a warning to a young plainswoman, whose destiny will change the world forever._

"The first one sounds dumb, the second boring and the third hilariously awful. I mean seriously, where the hell did the writer get those names?" Anna laughed.

"I think they're from a religion in the writer's world," Sharena responded. Alfonse and Robin payed no attention to either of them,

"As you can see, the first two writers mostly stuck to canon."

"The first decided to make his character a tad Gary Stu-ish, but the second was right on the money. Not too prominent, and certainly not looking like he'll take over the story, but still having a firmly established backstory."

"As for the third, heh heh heh…" Anna's laughter intensified.

"Yes, the third. It was probably written by a small child who gets all of his or her information from Wikipedia. He or she–"

"Or ze~" Sharena interrupted.

"That's not a thing," Robin rolled his eyes.

"As I was saying," Alfonse continued, "he or she probably wanted a hero to worship. An awesome being capable of solving every problem in the universe."

"Unlike the character from the first sample, who was likely to end up becoming a Gary Stu, the character from the third sample was destined to be one the moment its name was announ–"

"That's the second time you used that phrase. What's a Gary Stu?" Sharena raised a brow.

"I'm glad you asked!" Alfonse smiled.

"Hey! I wasn't–"

"In the ancient past, a dark time known to us only as 1973, there was a horrible fanfic called _A Trekkie's Tale,_ " Alphonse said in a spooky tone, "The universe it was set in, obviously, was Star Trek. Specifically the original 1960s series starring William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy and DeForest Kelley as Captain Kirk, Commander Spock and Doctor McCoy. The fic centered around an original character, the youngest lieutenant in the fleet… a fifteen year old girl named Mary Sue." Anna's laughter at this point caused her to fall to the floor.

"1973 wasn't THAT long ago…" Robin muttered.

"It was according to Brannon Braga," Alfonse responded.

"No one is going to understand that…"

"Fine, let me put it another way; it was well before pretty much everyone reading this was born."

"True. Alfonse, continue."

"With pleasure. Not only did _A Trekkie's Tale_ focus on the girl rather than the regular cast from the show, it rewrote all the canon characters to basically worship her, without any reason other than the writer thought she was awesome and deserved the praise of the main cast. As a result, all subsequent characters that took over the story and often drew worship from canon characters were called Mary Sues. Later, some people starting calling male Mary Sues 'Gary Stus'."

"That was a fairly long way to answer an easy question."

"I'm trying to educate our audience."

"If they didn't already know, they could very easily Google it."

"Why do you always have to spoil my fun, Sharena!" Alfonse pouted.

"Moving on!" Robin audibly cleared his throat, "I think we all can agree that the second was the best."

"Easily," Alfonse smiled.

"Of course," Sharena nodded.

"Duh. But we're contractually obligated to say why," Anna sighed.

"Alright, fine," Alfonse groaned, "the first one does show some promise, such as choosing a name based in the mythology of the writer's world that isn't over-the-top. The third is just a complete mess, from a crazy name to the character completely taking over the story."

"It's important to note that it IS possible to have a new protagonist without making him a Gary Stu. That is most easily accomplished by using Fire Emblem: Fates, which already has the player character set as the protagonist," Sharena added, "Awakening isn't terribly hard, as although the player character is a deuteragonist, much of the story already revolves around him and if the writer fails to give Chrom enough screen time most people won't notice… …usually… … …sometimes… … … …on occasion?"

"Doubtful," Robin muttered.

"And if the writer fails to give Lucina enough screen time, no one will care!" Alfonse chuckled lightly.

"I heard that!" the cameraman frowned.

"Do you really care?"

"…No…"

"Good," Sharena cleared her throat and continued, "the older games are where it is easier to go wrong. The player characters from The Blazing Sword/Rekka no Ken and New Mystery/Shin Monsho are _explicitly_ support characters."

"Not only is it significantly more noticeable when they are forced into the spotlight, but when they are it is incredibly difficult to keep them from completely taking over the story."

"That's not always a bad thing, at least if it's done right. There's nothing wrong with taking a new spin on an old story, so long as no-one is overpowered and the canon characters don't begin to worship the OC like he was their God. If you can avoid doing that, then you're likely to be just fine!" Alfonse said, and was met with silence.

"What? Am I wrong?"

"Yes."

"Absolutely."

"That's debata– y-yes, you are."

"You know what, the heck with you guys, I'm right and I know it!"

"Sure you are. Now, let's move on, shall we?"

"Yes! To our next adventure! SELF-INSERT PROTAGONISTS!"

* * *

 _Part Two: The New Protagonist (SI)_

"For a comprehensive examination of Self Inserts, go check out–" Alfonse started.

"No!" Anna interrupted.

"What do you mean no?" Sharena folded her arms.

"We're being paid to do this ourselves! If we try to cut time by telling our viewers to go look at something else, we'll all get our salaries docked!"

"What?!" Alfonse gaped.

"The producers can't do that!" Robin scowled.

"We have a contract!" Sharena screamed.

"That was _in_ the contract. Did you three even read it before you signed it?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Ugh, of course you didn't."

"Err, the tapes I have for this follow the same order as the last set, but take place in Awakening."

 _Hello there, reader! My name is Andrew, but my friends in my Fire Emblem Awakening LARP group call me Anacreon. I'm from Kansas, but I don't think I'm there anymore. I'm currently staring upward at my idol, Chrom. How this could be real, I don't know, but I intend to find out._

 _My name is Mark. I'm just your average joe trying to make his way through life. I went to bed last night in my bedroom in my house, but now, I feel like I'm lying on dirt. Is this some sort of dream? I open my eyes and see two unfamiliar faces looking down at me._

 _You may call me Tvashtri. It's the name I always choose for my Fire Emblem avatars. Since I'm currently staring at Chrom and Lissa from Awakening, I assume I must have been teleported into my favorite game of all time: Fire Emblem: Awakening_

"HEY! Those tapes used the same names as the first set!" Sharena frowned.

"Now, I should probably let you know we hired an editor to improve the spelling and grammar to make the tapes bearable, but the producers told him to leave some mistakes in – such as the redundancy in the last tape – to remind everyone that not all writers are skilled at their craft," Anna said, ignoring the princess.

"Did you hear me?"

"The writers of the first and third samples do something all too many Self-insert writers do: give their OCs prior knowledge of the events of the game," Alfonse, too, ignored his sister.

"Our executive producer told me the first SI story he ever read did that, but partially undercut it by varying the events of the game so the OC did not know everything. The character was still a complete Gary Stu, however," Robin added.

"With self-inserts, it's hard not to do that," Alfonse sighed.

"Another problem with the first is that he referenced the Wizard of Oz."

"The who of what?"

"References are the laziest form of humor and can be a major turn-off to a lot of people."

"Spend five minutes around Lissa's son and you'll immediately agree," Robin muttered, "anyway, the second is the best because he is the closest approximation of me."

"Conceited, much?" Sharena chuckled.

"Stow it."

"He's also the best because his story is the least worst," Anna rolled her eyes.

"I liked it!" Alfonse said sheepishly.

"You would…" the merchant groaned, "but I REALLY don't like self-inserts. The second may have avoided giving his character knowledge of the game, but he's still a lame character. To all future writers: self-insert stories are to be avoided."

"You may not like it Anna, but plenty of people do. One of the most popular Fire Emblem fanfics ever is a self-insert fic," Alfonse retorted.

"Yes, but our producers refused to allow us to mention it by name because they hate it so much."

"Well, not ALL of them," Robin shrugged.

"I think we've spoken enough about this. Let's move on to deuteragonists," Sharena growled.

"Agreed."

"Fine with me."

"Whatever."

* * *

 _Part Three: The New Deuteragonist (non-SI)_

"Deuteragonists are harder to not make Mary Sues than protagonists, as inexperienced writers will turn them into unwitting protagonists and they will soon take over the story," Sharena opened.

"The tapes we have for these take place in the middle of FE15," Alfonse said.

"Actually, the writer who wrote the tapes have not yet played Echoes, so these tapes are based on Gaiden," Anna corrected.

"The differences are subtle enough that no one's going to notice," the prince sighed.

"That's fair."

"Alright, here we go!"

 _Watching Alm and Celica's warm reunion brought joy to Anacreon's heart. He sat there, watching them rekindle their relationship, and possibly, starting a new romantic one._

 _As Alm and Celica embraced, they saw Mark approach with Mycen. The former looked surprised at how close they were, despite Alm telling him about their friendship._

 _When Tvashtri saw his long lost love Celica in the distance, he immediately ran to her. The two embraced in a long kiss, greatly confusing Alm, who had no idea about their relationship. Alm was jealous of Tvashtri and Celica's love, but secretly knew in his heart they were made for each other._

"I'm really getting suspicious here…"

"As you can see, the first and the third made the mistake of writing from the perspective of the OC," Alfonse pointed out.

"The third even went so far as to add a love story out of nowhere between the OC and Celica, while making Alm, the canon protagonist, envious of them."

"The second kept the OC on the sidelines where he belongs. Alm and Celica have a special bond no one can get in the way of!"

"You're a serious Alm x Celica shipper, aren't you?"

"That has nothing to do with anything! My reviews are COMPLETELY IMPARTIAL!"

"Haha, of course they are."

"You two can debate this nonsense when we're off the clock. Our next section deals with, well, just read the heading."

* * *

 _Part Four: The New Deuteragonist (SI)_

"Self-insert deuteragonists are the hardest to do right."

"Indeed. I personally have never seen one that doesn't overdo it."

"Well, that's your opinion,"

We're all entitled to them."

"MOVING ON!" Robin shouted, "here are the samples I have. They are from the end New Mystery."

 _Marth thanked Anacreon for all his help. It was, after all, Anacreon's brilliance, and more importantly his kind heart, that the now-king was successful in his efforts._

 _Marth and Mark stood together for what could be their last meeting. Marth was grateful for Mark's help, but both of them knew Mark wanted to fade away and give credit where it was due: Marth's incredible skills as a warrior and as a leader. The strategist knew there was no-one better for the job of High King than the hero standing before him._

 _Marth bowed to Tvashtri, thanking the god for all his support. Tvashtri, on the other hand, knew his job guiding the young prince was complete and ascended to the heavens where he belonged. Marth never forgot Tvashtri's guidance, but history, sadly, did not record his amazing contributions._

"Guys, seriously!"

"None of these samples are perfect, but as usual the second is the best," Robin said, making sure to speak loudly enough to drown out Sharena's protests.

"The first and the third, again, focus on the OC. The second glorifies Marth, perhaps a little too much, and also uses modern dialogue rather incompatible with the language of the game," Anna added.

"Which, to be honest, doesn't deviate much from the game," Alfonse shrugged.

"The 'Tvashtri' samples seem to be getting progressively more insane…" Sharena groaned, and to her chagrin she was still ignored.

"The first sample was clearly written by someone trying to give Marth some attention, but also having too much love for his new character to keep him where he belongs," Anna continued, "this is hard to avoid for newer writers, but still a key problem that everyone needs to avoid."

"It's also something writers tend to grow out of, especially if given enough constructive criticism along the way," Sharena added, giving up on trying to point out the coincidences involving OC names.

"That's right, Sharena!" Alfonse smiled, "authors always benefit from a little help, even if they don't want to admit it. Always try to leave a comment when you can."

"Just try not to be a troll. Nobody likes trolls," Robin said nonchalantly.

"You'd be surprised," Anna muttered.

"If you say so. Now, on to side characters!"

* * *

 _Part Five: Side Characters_

"Side OCs can be the best or worst parts of a fic," Anna opened.

"Indeed. Ofttimes when a writer wants to expand on a story, he or she will add side characters to make the world seem larger and add important information and side stories that canon characters cannot alway provide," Alfonse added.

"Some authors who are less creative will simply make canon folks act out of character to fit the narrative," Robin said.

"Which, again, isn't always a bad thing. People who have played the games enough and read enough fanfics sometimes want to see a refreshing take, and that can include interpretations of canon characters rather than direct copies."

"I actually agree with you this time," Robin conceded.

"I don't," Anna, still playing the contrarian, muttered inaudibly.

"Regardless, the tapes I have for this are from Fates."

 _Corrin returned at his castle to meet his childhood friend Anacreon, who was watching over Lilith. The two had a pleasant conversation while waiting for Gunter to compile his report._

 _Corrin returned to the castle to check on Lilith. Felicia and the castle groundskeeper, Mark, were making sure she was well attended._

 _Tvashtri trained Lilith in The Way of The Dragon so when Corrin returned, she would actually be capable of doing battle._

"Am I going mad? Someone PLEASE tell me they noticed that all the names are the same!" Sharena, again, went completely unnoticed.

"The first sample is better than the first samples of the other categories, having the focus still on Corrin. The third is still ever-awful, albeit hilariously so, and the second is spot on," Alfonse, for a change, opened.

"tThe first sample may have had the proper focus, but its insistence on giving the side character a close relationship with the protagonist could lead to its undoing," Anna waged her finger.

"Side characters are precisely that. They grow the world, but they are not meant to greatly impact the protagonist," Robin added, "at least not usually."

"The second writer understood this very well. Having a specific, defined groundskeeper can allow for more conversations between characters. He can be a confidant, a teacher, or just someone to add a little extra dialogue, light- or heavy-hearted," Alfonse noted.

"It is true that some longer stories have included entire arcs for side characters which were not only enjoyable but left an impact on the story as a whole, but accomplishing such a feat is virtually impossible for anyone without an incredible amount of finesse and experience," Sharena warned.

"That won't stop rookies from trying," Anna sighed.

"In which case we'll get a lot more examples resembling the third sample."

"Let's move on before we dwell too long on garbage."

"Concur."

"Absolutely."

"Onward!"

* * *

 _Part Six: Reboots of Existing OC's, Soft and Hard_

"Our head writer insisted we include this one," Sharena said.

"I can understand why. His first OC was horrible. It's really no wonder he completely redesigned him," Robin shrugged.

"How is he now?"

"He said he wasn't finished revamping him."

"What else is new…"

"Ugh, just roll the tapes," Anna sighed.

"Since the second sample had little room for improvement and the third was a lost cause, the only tape I have is from the first writer."

Original: _Anacreon had a great mane of red hair. His garb was regal, woven from the finest wools and lined with the rarest furs. How he ended up in a tent with a young girl looking over him he had no idea._

Revised: _Anacreon was a young, up-and-coming tactician. He had long, red hair and wore fine wool clothing he was given in exchange for his services. One day, he embarked on a journey to Sacae, and found himself unprepared for the rough conditions of the plains; he soon passed out of thirst. When he came to, he found a strange young woman watching over him._

"Alright that's enough! I am sick and tired of being ignored! What's the deal?!"

"Fine. To cut costs, the producers hired only one writer to make all of the tapes. He did the first one while high, the second one completely sober, and the third while he was drunk."

"Why in that order?"

"Because he was drunk AND high when he came up with said order. For the record, he died the other day of liver disease."

"Your lesson for the day, kids, is to consult your doctor before mixing any drugs, as taking any is very taxing on the body and can result in many problems, including death," Anna said in a patronizing tone.

"If our writer truly is dead, who's been writing our lines?"

"The producers brought in some new guys. I think I heard they grew them in test tubes."

"I heard they have a top secret farm in which they breed new ones."

"You people are insane," Anna shook her head.

"Yeah! Everyone knows babies are made magically by storks, who drop them in the arms of people they deem sufficiently caring!" Alfonse smiled.

"…"

"What. The. F-"

"I'm so sorry about him…" Sharena covered her face out of embarrassment.

"He's a special little one, isn't he?" Anna sighed.

"Yes!" the prince cut in, " _He_ is very special! And doesn't like to be talked about when present!"

"Again, I'm sorry."

"Can we just get back to our jobs?"

"Good idea. The improvements to the tape we showed before should be obvious."

"The OC has a much more realistic appearance and a better-established backstory."

"On top of that, he is implied to be far less significant, which is a good sign he won't turn into a Gary Stu. Of course, there are never any guarantees, but I like to think positively."

"Are we done yet?" Sharena yawned.

"We have one more section to go through. Let's do this so we can call it a wrap," Alfonse exhaled.

"I… don't think that's how it works…"

* * *

 _Part Seven: Bonus_

"I have a letter here from our producers," Anna pulled out a scroll, from where is best left to the imagination, "it says: COOKIECHEESEMAN, you brought this on yourself."

"Hmm, I wonder what that means…" Sharena folded her arms, causing Alfonse to chuckle malevolently.

"All of our samples were from theoretical works that were based on our writers' experiences. What will now follow is based on a real, published piece called _A Glimmer of Hope_."

"The third author of our samples may have used a ridiculous name, but it was based on mythology from his world. Some authors choose nonsense."

"Yes, for example, COOKIECHEESEMAN named one of his OC's Lord Snob. He, along with most of the other OC's, not only became irrelevant as the story progressed, but they disappeared as if they never existed at all!" Alfonse finished in a spooky tone.

"Well, at least they've basically been written out of the story. I'd rather not have to deal with their characters interfering with the plot!" Anna said smugly.

"Geez, what did Cookie do to provoke this?!" Sharena breathed.

"He said in the author's notes of one of his fics that our Executive Producer's opinions don't matter."

"And that provoked all of this?"

"To my understanding, the two know each other very well and it's all in good fun."

"…"

"Just roll with it."

"Guys, I just got a note from the producers that COOKIECHEESEMAN has redacted his previous comments," Robin said, "we have no proof of wrongdoing, nor any further reason to continue our tirade!"

"…"

"…"

"…Uh oh…"

* * *

 **For the record, Cookie and I ARE friends, and this WAS all in good fun. In fact, I explicitly had his permission to write that last section.**

 **EDIT 23 Dec 2017 Shout out to Cormag Ravenstaff, who now has TWO Self-insert guides up. I highly encourage you to read both of them.**

 **Challenge: I put in a tiny nod to my previous favorite motoring show, Top Gear (my current favorite is The Grand Tour). If you can spot it, I'll write you a one-shot.**

 **Side note: God I wish Alfonse's name was Alphonse. My hands instinctively type the latter so I had to go over this fic MULTIPLE times to make sure I corrected them.**

 **Okay, about the tapes. Their so-called writer is a nameless fictional character created by me. I came up with all of those samples while completely sober. Why did I do them in that order? Because that's the order I thought of them in, and I thought it would make for a decent joke later on.**

 **Writing tunes: Mozart's Piano Sonatas, played in order by the great Daniel Barenboim.**


End file.
